Friday Tweets

Joke's n stuff ya know
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Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Sat Dec 14, 2013 8:29 pm

On time, the Friday tweets


I remember someone took a selfie at my nan’s funeral then sent it to me. That wasn’t funny Nan, we nearly buried you.

Strange beer to the left of me,a cheap cakes to the right. Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“what?”
“You’re supposed to shout ‘A CURE FOR APATHY’.”
“whatever.”

Asked if he could actually do sign language the South African guy said “Of course I watermelon trapezium seventeen on butterfly carrot stroll.”

“Cover me sarge!”
“Fưck off, you can tuck yourself in to bed.”

My dwarf mate keeps saying sorry for his lack of stature and his unpunctuality but I can’t accept his apology. Too little, too late.

I’ve just read in a music magazine that Pop is dead. My thoughts are with Snap and Crackle at this sad time.

I asked for anxarse transplant on the NHS. I was given a swift rebuttal.

My wife has threatened to walk out on me if I have another penіs enlargement operation. She can’t take it any longer.

Marvin Gaye showed me a neat way to combine wine making and cattle farming. I herd it through the grapevine.

I don’t think my wife’s completely over her ex boyfriend who was a one-armed potholer. I think she still carries a torch for him.

I never forget the correct word for anything. I have a photogenic mammary.

‘Take the first left, then the first right. Take another right, second left, then just go straight down’ – how to throw a boxing match.

At the prison football match the winning goal was scored by the sub, - a guy who threw acid in his wife’s eyes. The manager played a blinder.

I tried Red Bull once but I didn’t like it. I think maybe I was licking the wrong end.

The eczema society were looking for fundraising ideas. Humourless basŧards threw me out of the meeting when I suggested scratch cards.

Don’t you hate it when you’re typing one thing while thinking about something else, and so you subconsciously type what you were tіttіes.
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

User avatar
Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Sun Dec 15, 2013 4:45 pm

Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

The lead actor in the local pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped by the gay genie on stage last night - to be fair the audience did try to warn him.

Such an unfair world.
When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?"
She was a bit taken aback when I replied "Facebook".

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it, it's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this beer belly.

I've just watched a documentary about children being beaten and abused in Indian sweat shops. Looking at the quality of stitching on my new trainers the little bastards deserved it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a
cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

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Scotty
Posts: 214
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 5:27 pm
Location: Corsham, Wilts

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Scotty » Mon Dec 16, 2013 1:08 pm

Does Sean know that you're copying and pasting all his hard work on another forum and not giving him the credit for it? :? ;)
Wheelies - they ARE big, and they ARE clever

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Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Mon Dec 16, 2013 9:33 pm

Scotty wrote:Does Sean know that you're copying and pasting all his hard work on another forum and not giving him the credit for it? :? ;)


Ha ! His hard work ?? He gets them sent to him anyway! Lol

Just thought a few on here (and other forums I frequent) may appreciate them.
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

User avatar
Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Mon Jan 06, 2014 4:28 pm

Lat Fridays tweets


My new year’s resolution is that I will put more intrigue into my tweets....
.... or will I?

In terms of accuracy, I’m probably one of the country’s best poofreaders.

Just published my new book: “Horses for Courses: A History of French Cuisine.”

I wish I could get more excited about the right hand side of my chest cavity, but, to be honest, my heart’s not in it.

I had amnesia once – maybe twice.

My wife hates me doing innuendo jokes but occasionally I try to slip one in.

I won thirty knickerbocker glories in a competition. I’ll never eat those in a month of sundaes.

Just published my new book: “Fruits of the Forest - The Truth about the sexuality of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.”

“When the green man starts flashing, cross the road immediately.” Martian parents’ warning to their kids.

My wife put her hair in a bun this morning. As a result, she no longer works at Greggs.

There’s a nudist convention taking place next week. I might go if I’ve nothing on.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Not an anchovy though, obviously, – don’t take the píss.

Just published my new book: “Oooh Get Carter! – Gay subtext in the films of Michael Caine.”

Don’t drink if you’re intending to have sex later. I learnt that the soft way.

The doctor tells me my sodium intake is too high, but I take that with a pinch of salt.

“How many pedants does it take to change a light bulb?”
“You mean REPLACE a light bulb”
“Oh fưck off.”

Just published my new book: “Blood, Sweat and Tears: 101 Surprising c*cktail Recipes.”

When it rains, Lady Gaga wears beef wellingtons.

Customer: “Do you have any books on poor customer service?”
Librarian: “Mind your own business, you nosey twаt.”
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

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zx10rgod
Posts: 745
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2011 7:27 am
Location: In the garage, fettling

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby zx10rgod » Fri Jan 10, 2014 7:32 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:55 pm

The Friday tweets


Last year my mate made a new year’s resolution to stop drinking. He died on 8th January, of extreme dehydration.

Much of Scotland’s coastline was battered this week. Those bưggers will deep-fry anything.

RIP Phil Everly. I remember a tribute act in our local pub called ‘The ’eavily Brothers’ on account of: one smoked ’eavily, one drank ’eavily.

“I love Beyoncé.”
“Whatever floats your boat mate.”
“No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.”

After waiting for eight years, I finally got a kidney today. Worst restaurant service ever.

I’ve just watched that new movie with Johnny Depp, although I’ve no idea what he was doing in my house.

My Native American puns are going through apache spell at the moment.

If my great-grandfather could see me now, he’d be so proud. He’d say, “ I’ll be bưggered, - you invented a time machine! Well done!”

I’d say my wife has a really peachy аrse, .....a bit bruised and somewhat hairy.

“You hoppin’ to me?...YOU HOPPIN’ TO ME??” – Rabbit De Nero.

The band mates of Crowded House told me how to avoid getting my caramels nicked: “Everywhere you go, always take the Werthers with you.”

When I joined the Tourettes Society, it took them three weeks to swear me in.

MY 15 MINUTE MEALS
1. Spend 14 minutes watching Jamie’s 15 Minute Meals with growing dismay.
2. Open bag of Frazzles.
3. Consume.

Is it normal that one of my testicles is larger, or should all three be the same size?

People who think I’m pretentious need to walk a mile in my Louis Vuitton’s.

Things I’ve learnt today:
1. I can still hang a bath towel on my erect penіs
2. The staff at Debenham’s are easily upset.

I used to find it very difficult proposing a toast to Che Guevara. Every time I’d say ‘To Che’, we’d end up in a fưcking sword fight.
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

User avatar
Dingle
Posts: 1301
Joined: Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:34 pm
Location: "The Shire"

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby Dingle » Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:57 pm

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle biscuits wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the biscuit was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'f**k off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'
The brave might not always survive, but the cautious never live

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zx10rgod
Posts: 745
Joined: Sat Feb 12, 2011 7:27 am
Location: In the garage, fettling

Re: Friday Tweets

Postby zx10rgod » Wed Jan 22, 2014 3:13 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:roll:


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